Proof of God.
Featured art: Unknown
Religion is often treated like ideological heirlooms that get passed down from generation to generation. I was not born into a religion, I inherited no beliefs and any attempt to indoctrinate me into one, I rejected. For as long as I can remember, I have been agnostic.
My earliest memory of me deciding I was agnostic happened when I was around 12. During my youth, I was surrounded by people who believed in religion. Teachers in my school trying to enforce the belief within me, would always blow on a tissue and use that as proof of God. They would say that even though you can’t see the wind moving the tissue, it’s still there – even though you can’t see God, he’s still there. I remember thinking that it’s illogical, it lacks nuance and that it’s a thing only rooted in fantasy.
Little me did a lot of soul searching during that time, and I decided to think about what I truly believed without other people’s opinions. I remember typing my answer into google and asking “what does it mean if I believe in this.” Agnostic popped up on my screen, big and bold, and ever since then I accepted that as my title.
People seem to have slightly different definitions of what being agnostic means to them, so I’ll share what my definition was. To me, being agnostic meant that I would always be in between believing and not believing. I thought I’d never be able to know for sure which one I was, that after death anything could be possible, but that there is no way for me to know in this lifetime. I believed in every “what if” and I was okay with staying in that grey area, never having to fully commit my belief to either end of the spectrum.
The first time my beliefs started to change happened when I read the original Mistborn trilogy, by Brandon Sanderson. There is a character in the series that goes through a religious journey, he questions his faith, but finds his way back to it.
I’ve talked about Brandon Sanderson a lot on my blog before, he is my favorite author. I’ve learned so many life changing lessons from his books and I mention a lot of them in my Life before death entry. Mistborn in particular had the most interesting talks about religion I’ve ever seen and I’ll always recommend a Sanderson book.
(If you don’t want Mistborn spoilers, then stop reading from here on out).
In Mistborn, their God is a physical being, you can see him, touch him and talk to him. He is also a tyrant, but I won’t go into all of that – I only mention it because he wiped out every other religion in this world, including the world’s history of what was before him.
The character I’ve been telling you about, Sazed, has a very unique role in this series. He is a Terris Keeper; Keepers collect histories, stories and facts to be stored away in devices that allow for later retrieval. Terrisman have passed these devices down through generations and because of this, Sazed has the histories and legends of what the world used to be.
His speciality is religion. He has knowledge of every religion that used to exist and he believes in all of them. He embraces the fact that one religion contradicts another, but he respects what he considers to be the truth behind each one of them.
“It’s all very easy for you, isn’t it? Believing in everything, never having to choose?”
“I would say that it is more difficult to believe as I do, for one must learn to be inclusionary and accepting.”
– The Well Of Ascension.
Sazed talks a lot about faith and belief throughout the whole series, however, someone very close to him dies and that’s when he starts to question his faith. He asked a lot of similar questions I had: Why did bad things still happen when most religions taught that believers would be blessed? How did men believe in something that preached love on one hand, yet taught destruction of unbelievers on the other? How did one rationalize belief with no proof?
In Sazed’s grief, he decides to go through every religion he has, trying to find one that has no inconsistencies, no contradictions, no logical leaps and demands of faith he finds impossible to accept. He spends a year going through all of them, and when he finishes with the last one, he has still not found what he is looking for. It’s only when he has a conversation with someone wiser than him, that his thoughts start to change, and mine:
“It sounds to me, young one, that you are looking for something that cannot be found.”
“The truth?”
“No. A religion that requires no faith from its believers.”
– The Hero Of Ages.
What solidified the change in my belief is when Sazed started to focus on the people who do believe, instead of the religion itself:
Before, Sazed had looked at the doctrines themselves. This time, he found himself studying the people who had believed, or what he could find of them. As he read their words over again in his mind, he began to see something. The faiths he had looked at, they couldn’t be divorced from the people who had adhered to them. In the abstract those religions were stale. However, as he read the words of the people – really read them – he began to see patterns.
Why did they believe? Because they saw miracles. Things one man took as chance, a man of faith took as a sign. A loved one recovering from disease. a fortunate business deal, a chance meeting with a long lost friend. It wasn’t the grand doctrines or the sweeping ideals that seemed to make believers out of men. It was the simple magic in the world around them.
– The Hero Of Ages.
Sazed realized that to believe, he had to want to believe. Nothing could force him to have faith, he wouldn’t find a document lying around declaring once and for all that God exists. He realized that he does want to believe, if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have spent so much time searching for a reason to.
“He would believe. Not because something had been proven to him beyond his ability to deny. But because he chose to.”
– The Hero Of Ages.
Sazed’s story made me realize that all this time, I have missed the whole point of believing in something greater. I want to believe too. I want to believe in better regardless of how bad things might seem at the moment. I choose to believe in good, I choose to believe in miracles and I choose to believe that something is watching and guiding me; even when I can’t see it.
I believe in balance as well. I believe you wouldn’t be able to differentiate the good if you didn’t have the bad to compare it to. One cannot exist without the other. For every push, there must be a pull.
Religion is still something I don’t resonate with, but maybe one day I will be religious; I like the idea of it, when it’s not being abused. I’ve been agnostic my whole life, maybe in some ways I still am, but my belief is now stronger than it’s ever been before.
If you were to ask me what I believe in today, I would tell you that I do believe in God. I believe in a general idea of God; if it’s a force or an entity, if it’s sentient or not, I do not know. But I am okay with not knowing. I do not need a title or label for my beliefs this time. That same uncertainty is what made a believer out of me. That uncertainty is my proof – It forced me to prove my faith by embracing hope and opening myself up to the possibility of hurt. Now, I simply believe.
Thank you so much for reading my blog! My faith and beliefs have been changing so much recently, so I felt the need to try and put it into words in this entry. For some reason, the more inner work I do, the more my faith starts to grow. No matter what religion you believe in, or if you don’t believe in any at all, I hope that you have hope for better, no matter where you are at in your journey right now.
As Sazed would say: “Belief isn’t simply a thing for fair times and bright days, I think. What is belief – what is faith – if you don’t continue in it after failure…” – Mistborn.
I hope you enjoyed this one!
I love Brandon Sanderson’s writing too. I’m agnostic but was raised theist. I enjoyed reading your perspective here. This is a topic I’ve thought a lot about as well.
I try to make ethical commitments based on reason, observation, and reflection.
One commitment I hold is I commit to treating people as if they have inherent worth. I’d rather err on the side of recognizing worth where there is none than missing worth that is. So I understand commitment without guarantee of evidence.
I don’t need to commit to a belief in a truth-claim, like the existence of gods, to commit to recognizing worth, moral-striving, crafting meaning, seeking truth, seeking to hold skepticism and wonder together, seeking to hold hope and realism together.
Hebrews 11:1-3 NLT
[1] Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see. [2] Through their faith, the people in days of old earned a good reputation. [3] By faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God’s command, that what we now see did not come from anything that can be seen.
https://bible.com/bible/116/heb.11.1-3.NLT
Lovely article I enjoyed reading it ! Keep writing 🖋️
“I am okay with not knowing”
This is what bothers people about the proselytisers. They are so certain, that they have gone beyond faith.
You’re a beautiful writer. Thank you 🙏. I, too, was not born into a religion. I married into Christianity and have been searching ever since. I’m agnostic and spiritual and not sure how to define my journey- maybe a spiritual seeker or something like that. Have a wonderful day!
I have to admit that it was a good read
P.s. also growing up catholic and I asked where does Gid come from ? I was told ” God has always been and always will be ”
But the best answer i received was ” can you see air ? No. I answered
Yet even though you can’t see it – it keeps you alive ! That convinced me that there is something beyond my expectations and thoughts .
Wanting to believe in something does not mean it exists. I could want to believe in a teapot in orbit around Jupiter, but that doesn’t mean there is one. The notion of an omnipotent, omnipresent yet totally undetectable creator-being existing throughout the universe is similarly absurd. At the end of the day, God is nothing but a fictional authority figure used o control and oppress us: we are told to believe iin him by those who invoke his authority in order to tell us what to think and how to behave. The sooner we grow out of such idiocy, the better.
Lmao did you even read my post? But seriously though, I totally respect your beliefs, I’m not trying to change your mind, I was only voicing my own beliefs. I know it’s hard to believe, but not every one who practices religion is bad and out to get you. People who abuse religion just happen to get more attention for doing it, it’s like that with everything though. There will always be people abusing some system and others will start to generalize that. For me personally, my idea of God is different than most religions, that doesn’t mean my beliefs are superior to others. I’ve been really careful with censoring comments on this post that lean into trying to sell others a way of thinking (like trying to get people to believe in God, or in your case, not to believe in God) instead of simply expressing what they think without pushing it onto anyone else. I think this leans into that territory, but since I’m responding, I’ll keep this up for now. My brother is an Atheist too, I find your kind very interesting
Remember to stay respectful in the comments guys. You are welcome to share your own beliefs and perspectives, but please refrain from trying to push your beliefs onto others or dismiss theirs. All respectful comments are welcome, whether you agree with me or not
I have different beliefs than you, and mine are different still than many who share my religion. If believing is something you do want, then I’d say look at math. Math is the language of the universe. You can see order and disorder and the end effects of each. Order breeds creation, and disorder breeds destruction… I’m not trying to sway your beliefs; just sharing. I really like looking at the golden ratio. I also like talking about C.S. Lewis because I feel like he went through his own kind of transformations within Christianity. To see the commonalities and to accept the answer as ‘Jesus’ made the most sense to him. And also, to me. I’ve been through my own journeys and deconstructions though. Let me tell you. But my faith has always been the one constant in my life, and I wouldn’t trade it. You definitely did something I could not do though: read Mistborn. I love Brandon Sanderson as a writer, but I do not have the attention span for some of those extra-long tomes, haha.
Check out the Inayatiyya – an Order of Sufism that that you might find welcoming.
It is a school of mysticism based on Love.
Don’t look to Google or AI when you need answers. Pause, reflect in silence and look within.
Perhaps as a metaphor for sentience.
Thank you for liking my poem!