THE AVOERIA ARCHIVE

You don’t need to be healed to be loved.

Featured Image: “Again,” by Jungsuk Lee (endmion1).

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this topic before I even knew it was something I wanted to write about. I have had many thoughts and ideas throughout my life about what love should be, but I think now, for the first time in my being, I finally have a piece of truth about it. In this entry, I would like to share with you my truth about love.

While writing this, there is a quote from a series I read that I kept in the back of my mind, and that I believe is the golden thread through all of this:

“Through love, all is possible.” – Crescent City, by Sarah J. Maas.

I used to have a lot of insecurities regarding love in the past. At that time, anxiety was something that heavily disrupted my life. I believed that before I could be in love, I had to first fix myself, and that thought hurt so much because I wasn’t sure if I could be fixed. Back then, I couldn’t envision a life where I didn’t experience anxiety and I was trying to cope with the idea of having to live with it.

I believed that if I had to live with the anxiety, I wasn’t allowed to be in love. I mean, I had sooo many issues, right? Who would want to put up with all of that? Old me couldn’t separate herself from the anxiety and she couldn’t see that she was so much more than that.

I think it’s easier for me to say this now, because I am better now. Anxiety is no longer something that heavily disrupts my life, but I have to acknowledge that it had a great impact on me and influenced who I am today. In regards to my avoidance with love, I still do have some anxiety, but I will share more about that later. Even though I am better, that is still somebody’s reality. It used to be mine. Someone out there might actually have to live with what burdens them. Now, I could never imagine telling them that they can’t experience being in love because of the weight they have to carry.

You do not need to be healed to be loved. 

Will being in love fix all of your issues? No. In my experience, it makes you become even more aware of how much work you still have to do on yourself. It is your responsibility to do the inner work, your partner cannot heal you and it’s unfair to expect them to. However, they can support you and that is a very different thing to say. You deserve love now.

When I was at my worst, that was when I needed love the most even though my mind tricked me into thinking that I didn’t, that I didn’t deserve it and that I would just be a burden to any potential lover. I thought I had good reasons to think like that, for example: what use would I be to them during my moments of pain and despair? Or as I believed back then, my “eternity” of pain and despair.

There were even times when I thought I didn’t have it in me to love someone else because of how much I was hurting, even though I secretly wanted to. I used to cry my eyes out to champagne problems by Taylor Swift. 

It took me time to realize that the right person will love you regardless, just because they can and because you’re capable of loving them too. You don’t need to serve them some grand purpose, you simply add to their life. I believe it’s inevitable that at some point during your relationship, someone will go through hardships and the other person will be doing most of the loving until another day when it’s the other way around. That is just life, nobody is meant to carry their weight alone.

Falling in love is one of the best feelings in the world for me, but it is also terrifying. Because of my avoidance, my natural instinct can sometimes be to pull away when I am faced with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. This has affected all kinds of relationships in my life too, not just romantic ones.

There is a song by Noah Kahan called Doors from his new album, The Great Divide (which is amazing by the way, definitely go listen to it) that perfectly encapsulates how I relate to my avoidance. 

I grew up pretendin’ sticks were little guns
I would point ’em at my dad, and he’d get mad
‘Cause God forbid I hurt someone
I’d hurt anyone I could
Anyone who got too close, and anyone who wouldn’t look
I was born into a one-hundred-year storm
Foot of ice across Vermont
And in that dark, and in that frost, a heart was formed
Malcontented and unwarm
You were unsuspectin’, not unwarned

That I’m the trouble ahead, that I scream in my sleep
You’re puttin’ money on red, I’m a sure bet at a losin’ streak
I keep showin’ you doors, but you can’t open them up
‘Cause it gеts harder to see me the closеr you try to look

I just live here, babe, but you’re the one who decided to knock
You knocked

Have you ever stared directly at the sun?
Have you ever shared some closeness, so exposed
To have it spit back by someone?
So, forgive me if I jump
At the rattle of your keys
“Oh, are you leavin’?,” “No, babe, I’m just wakin’ up”
And now what?
I’m left starin’ at the ceilin’, listin’ reasons you should pack all your shit up

– Doors, by Noah Kahan.

In the first verse Noah explains himself about why he has a cold exterior, because in his upbringing, “in that dark, in that frost a heart was formed, malcontented and unwarm.” He explains that he would hurt the people he let close as a way to protect himself. 

One of my favourite lines from the first verse is “anyone who wouldn’t look.” I interpret it as him saying that he would hurt the people who chose not to look at the deeper wounds he has, because they were too scared to. At the end of the first verse, he says that “you were unsuspecting not unwarned,” meaning that he is warning them about the type of person he is and he confesses that in the chorus.

He says that he will be the problem, he is “the trouble ahead.” He’s telling them about all these issues he has and he uses doors as the metaphor. He says that he keeps showing them his issues, he “keeps showing you doors,” but he won’t actually let them in even though they’re knocking.

The person who’s knocking wants to know why, why won’t he let them in? In the second verse, he says to them that he won’t let them in, because he’s let someone in before and shared that exposed closeness, only to have it spit back at him. He’s telling them to forgive him that he’s traumatised, that he thinks they will leave at any moment, even though in the song they’re saying they won’t. He continues to count all the reasons why he believes eventually, they will leave anyway.

At one point in my life, I think I could have related to this song bar for bar. Now, I believe I only resonate with certain aspects of it. It used to be so hard for me to verbalise that I had problems with anxiety, I kept the people close to me in the dark about it for years. Where I’m currently at in my life, it is easy for me to name the problem, to name the pain, but I still have difficulty letting people into that and actually letting them see my pain.

Like the song’s meaning suggests, I have also received harshness when I’ve expressed vulnerability, so. many. times. These days, I am trying to be more emotionally honest and I’m trying to express my feelings naturally when they come up, but it is very difficult and scary for me. Simply complimenting people gets me nervous, but this is the only way to overcome my avoidance because I don’t want to be like that with my lover, or any close relationship I form.

It’s so scary to think about the idea of someone I’m so intimately involved with seeing me when I’m feeling hurt. I feel so much shame and embarrassment about it, but because of that I see it as such a courageous act too.

When I think about the love I’ll have one day, and someone expressing their love for me for the first time, I think about how much I like the idea of someone feeling so nauseatingly nervous to express their feelings, but they do it anyway. I think it is such an extraordinary act of bravery that I wouldn’t even care if it came out a bit awkward. It would be wobbly and honest and brave, and I love that.

Even though I want my life partner to be scared (and brave) to say that they’re in love with me, I don’t want them to be scared to look at me. I believe that people can only meet you at the depth they’ve met themselves at, and I’ve met myself quite deeply. Because of that, I do want to be with someone who has been through a lot and came out on the other side anew. I question if someone, who hasn’t had a lot of troubles in their life, will be able to understand me. I want to be understood and I want to be seen, even if it sometimes feels scary.

I think it’s special that it feels scary. It feels scary because you’re giving someone ammo to use against you, you’re opening yourself up at the risk of getting hurt. Sometimes you will get hurt. I’ve been hurt. However, I’ve realized that for me, the growth with my avoidance isn’t only in expressing my feelings and being vulnerable. The growth is in continuing to keep my heart open even when it gets hurt. As Taylor Swift would say “may your heart remain breakable, but never by the same hand twice.”

I will always feel scared falling in love, but that is the whole point of love. If you don’t feel scared, then you’re not doing it right. I have learned that if you wait until you’re fearless to love, you’ll be waiting forever, and that is truth.

I think I have finally written down everything I wanted to say for this entry. I have been trying to write this for weeks now. Thank you so much for reading my blog! I am so happy to be back. I also wanted to thank everyone who has been commenting on my entries. I love reading everyone’s different perspectives and I think it’s so sweet when you share a bit of your life experience with me. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this entry and I look forward to the next one!

Do not miss future entries from me!

With love & light, Avoeria.